As We End 2013

As we end 2013…Dec. 31, 2013

This morning someone near and very dear to me woke up proclaiming that in just few days he would be 60 years old. He began proclaiming his eminent birthday and went on and on until I really wanted to pop a knot on his heard. I'm still wondering if he really feels as negative as he seemed this morning. If he does, well, I just don't know what to do with him. On one hand, it's really good that he is realistic about the future and the fact that our numbered days are running out. On the other hand, it drives me just a little bit insane to be reminded on a regular basis just how numbered our days are. Even as I write this, I wonder if I should "out" him because some of you will be shocked and some of you will be just a little distressed. As for myself, I've got three more years until I'm 60 and I intend to live those three years with intention. That's not to say my sweet husband doesn't live with intention. He certainly does. He's one of the most faithful of the faithful. He loves God deeply. He's an anchor and as steady as a rock which I suppose is the reason it bothers me when I perceive him as negative. Oh well, whatever! He's provoked me into thought and that can never be a bad thing. But for the record, I still want to pop a knot on his head.

I received a morning and evening devotional from said husband for Christmas. It starts on January 1 so I've been waiting to use it. I decided this morning to go ahead and take a peek at December 31 for the coming year. The message was timely…especially since Darling was so doom and gloom as soon as I opened my eyes today.

"I leave you peace, my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 Can I just say, "THANK YOU, JESUS!"

And then,

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6 Can I get an "AMEN!"

Because I belong to Jesus, I can trust that I don't have to be troubled by getting older or afraid of death. Because I belong to Jesus, I can know that goodness and mercy will follow me whether I live 20 more minutes or 20 more years.

So, dear readers, it's really just as simple as putting your faith in Christ Jesus and your life in His hands. And that's the truth.

Jes and Mrs. W

Sometimes we have a hard time grasping just how much God loves us. In fact, I've talked to lots of people that feel as if there as a God but he's disinterested, far away, and pretty much involved in our lives. As far as the Bible goes, all they see is an antiquated bunch of stories that reveal God as vindictive and angry. I know what I'm talking about here, because I used to believe the same way. In fact, the only reason I could think of to become a Christian and be "good" was so I could miss Hell when I died. I mean really, who wants to "bust Hell wide open" after all the stuff I'd gone through here in this life?

Over the years, I began to see the real nature of God. As a parent, God used example after example of how I love my own children, to show me who He really is...and He wasn't at all vindictive, angry or far away. Here is one of my favorites.

When Jes and Blake (my children) were young, my husband was in seminary. We live in seminary housing and for the most part, the neighborhood was as very safe place, made up of only seminary students and their families. The children were free to romp and play without worry of harm. The school bus picked them up every day and parents could watch their children board the bus from their balconies. Jes was in kindergarten and walked to the bus stop every day with his older sister, Blake who was in the 3rd grade.

On this particular day, I received a call from Blake after school...
"Mom! Today at the bus stop Mrs. W grabbed Jes by the arm and yanked him hard."
I could feel my blood begin to boil. Someone had put their hand on my baby? I don't think so!
"Blake, " I said gently, "Tell me exactly what happened..."
Blake proceeded to tell me how Jes and Mrs. W's little boy, who was the same age as Jes, got into a tussle, pushing each other as little boy's do. Mrs. W proceeded to yank Jes away from her son and put him in the back of the bus line while not addressing her son at all.
Now, parents...do I even have to tell you how livid I was? I calmed myself down and told Blake, I'd be home shortly to see about Jes and I was sure he would be fine.

As soon as I hung up with Blake, I immediately found Mrs. W's number and began dialing...
"Mrs. W? This is Mrs. Sterling." I said.
Mrs. W then began breathlessly and defensively rattling off the mornings events. "I wanted to speak with you and tell you what happened..."
Calmly but very firmly, I interrupted her diatribe. "Mrs. W, I only have one thing to say to you...don't ever TOUCH my son again."
"But you don't understand!" she whined.
"NO, you don't understand Mrs. W. Don't ever touch my son again. You were out of line and no matter what he did, you had no right to touch my child. DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN!
"But!" she said.
"No buts ." I said, "Don't touch my child ever...EVER."

With that I hung up the phone and tried to calm down. You see, Jes was my child and it was my right and responsibility to discipline him and no one else's...well, except his daddy's. I loved him. I knew what was best for him and I knew I'd never hurt him even if I spanked him. I could be trusted. Mrs. W couldn't. He didn't belong to her. Jes was my baby.

Years, after the incident, God used it to show me His love for His babies and the message came through clearly. God loves His babies like a protective parent. If you're a good parent, you know what I mean. If God loves me even half as much as I love my children and grandchildren, how can I not be drawn to him and cry to him,

"Abba, father!"

Prayer:
Heavenly, Father...Daddy. Show your babies your love and true nature today. Because we aren't perfect, we don't always reflect your love and true character. Forgive us! Please draw your babies into an intimate love relationship with you. In Jesus Name...Amen.

What Are You Seeking? What Am I Seeking?

Sometimes God speaks to us loudly and clearly. This morning was one such time for me. I was having my morning coffee and a little prayer time. I wasn't really expecting to "hear" from God. That's so me. I'm prone to rattle off my list of wants and wishes, pleas and partitions to God and then I don't stop long enough to just simply "be" in His presence. I don't wait for the still, small voice of God. I jump into my day and hurry up to hurry. But this morning was different. Sitting on my back porch, I bowed my head and just began speaking my heart to God and as I sat there in the stillness of the early morning, I heard Him speak: "Seek me first." That was all. Simply to seek Him first about all else.

The full verse is this:

"But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things[c] shall be added to you. (NKJV) Luke 12:31

Listen to more from this passage in one of my favorite translations of the Bible (The Message):

29-32 “What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.
33-34 “Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can’t go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

As I read "Don't be afraid of missing out", a reality jumped at me. That's it! That's me! I'm so afraid I'm going to miss something here during this earthly life, I find myself running from this project to that project, from this event to that event, from this creative endeavor to that creative endeavor. I find myself writing, creating, cooking, planning, running, jumping, seeking, and what happens? I miss the most important thing about life...

"Seek me first."

Three little words but words packed full of eternal truth.

Dear Jesus, Please keep me on track. Please keep me focused on You. Help me to center on You. I thank You that You have promised what You start, You complete!

Grief Stricken

Yesterday was a rough day. To tell the truth, the tears started coming about 1:00 p.m. and continued off and on until I finally went to sleep last night. I was missing my sweet Momma. I found myself in the PIT of despair and I'm not being overly dramatic. I just couldn't' get myself together. Honestly, all I could feel was pain...the pain of being separated from my mother. All the cliques, good intentions, nice thoughts, even prayers didn't seem to bring me out of the funk I was in. I was like an inconsolable colicky infant. In the middle of my despair I wrote this poem...



I think I need to die

Lay down and not get up

To leave this world and sorrow behind

And walk into the waiting light

What kind of journey would it be

To leave this life behind

The hurt

The sorrow

The ache of loss

Swallowed up in death's bright light

To travel where my soul mates live

And are now complete

If not for the few I truly love

I would

Pray my soul to rest

I see the day I'll long to take that flight

The day my loss is complete



First of all, don't think I'm suicidal. I'm not. And don't feel sorry for me. I don't need pity. I just had a bad day. I had a day of grief. I shared this with you because I want you to know I know how you feel. You aren't alone. I want you to know even after the darkest night, the sun comes up. After the darkness, I rise up and meet the day.

18 For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the coming glory that will be revealed to us. 19 For the creation eagerly waits for the revelation of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility—not willingly but because of God who subjected it—in hope 21 that the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage of decay into the glorious freedom of God’s children. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers together until now. 23 Not only this, but we ourselves also, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we eagerly await our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with endurance.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes on behalf of the saints according to God’s will. 28 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, 29 because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified.
31 What then shall we say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 Indeed, he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things?
Romans 8:18-32

Sometimes answers don't come fast but they always come because He is faithful.

REJOICE!

My mother had just died. We were sitting the "family room" at the hospital. Overcome by a sorrow none of us had ever felt before, my youngest sister said, "I've got something to tell you and I think I was supposed to tell you sooner. " As she, Carly (her oldest child) and Daddy, rushed from the Laurens County Hospital to Richland Memorial some 70ish miles away behind a screaming ambulance, my sister heard these words loud and clear: "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." At the same time she heard these rather misplaced words of God, they were speeding by the Newberry exit, where our mother had gone into a fatal cardiac arrest. Over and over in the months since our precious Momma died, we have been challenged to, "Rejoice". How do you rejoice in the middle of the deepest sorrow you've ever felt? How? And yet, God keeps revealing to each of us that REJOICE is exactly what we must do. One week before my mother's death, I felt an insatiable need to find out all I could about Heaven. Even though Momma was very sick, I didn't have any idea the next week we would say our Earthly good-byes to her. It didn't occur to me at the time but God was getting me ready for her passing. I read two books. One was "To Heaven and Back" by Dr. Mary C. Neal, MD. The other was by Dr. Eben Alexander, called "Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife ". What I found in Dr. Neal's book was a beautiful story of hope from a Christian's point of view. From Dr. Alexander's book I gleaned insight into death from a medical viewpoint. Both books were helpful and God used Dr. Neal and Dr. Alexander's experiences of death, to once again, confirm His total love and peace to me. In Dr. Neal's book she states "joy is a state of mind and a state of being. It reflects a conscious choice to believe in the promises of the Bible. After her death experience and she was recuperating from massive injuries sustained in a kayaking accident, one of the verses that came to her was, "Rejoice always." 1 Thess 5:16. In pain and broken, Dr. Neal heard God speak plainly. "REJOICE." A few weeks ago while I was visiting with my father, I found yet another gift my mother left behind. While flipping through her tattered and worn bible, I found this verse yet again. She had it dog eared: "Rejoice always". My mother believed the words of God and His command to rejoice even in the midst of great physical pain. My family has had our faith challenged through our sorrow but all of us have been reassured that what we have in Christ is, indeed, real. And it's not only real but He has been teaching us to "REJOICE". In the middle of an unfathomably deep hurt and sorrow, we are experiencing joy. We are experience joy because we are experiencing God. Since Momma died, I've felt the need to read the words of Jesus beginning in John. Just last night I read these words, the recorded words of Jesus: "Do not let your hearts be distressed. You believe in God; believe also in me. There are many dwelling places in my Father's house. Otherwise, I would have told you, because I am going away to make ready a place for you. And if I go and make ready a place for you, I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you may be too. And you know the way where I am going." Thomas said, "Lord, we don't know where you are going. How can we know the way? " Jesus replied, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you have known me, you will know my Father too. And from now on you do know him and have seen him." John 14:14-7 My momma is now living that reality. Do I still grieve for her? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I long for her? Yes. But because of Jesus, I will see her again and so will my father, my brother and sisters. And because of Jesus, who he is and what he did...we can REJOICE! ” Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 (RSV)

Forgiveness? Again?

Seems like the theme of this weekend for some of us was “Forgiveness”. Sunday morning I almost didn’t go to church because my head hurt. I know, a simple headache isn’t that big of a deal but don’t you remember I fell down seven concrete steps just 8 weeks ago and fractured my skull…cut me some slack! LOL! However, I got up and got ready in record time and I’m so glad I did. NO, the fact that I went to church doesn’t mean I’m a “good” Christian. (I’ve found through the years that the only thing mere church attendance is good for is to enhance my feelings of self righteousness. After all, it’s part of being a “good” pastor’s wife to attend church but that’s another story. Let’s get back to “FORGIVENESS”. I’m so glad I went to worship yesterday because God had a little something to say to me about my unforgiving attitude. You see, I’m not always a forgiving person. Sometimes I hold on to a grudge as if it were my life raft in the middle of the ocean. And I’d been nursing a “certain” grudge for almost a year like a mother nursing a hungry newborn. So, imagine my angst when my husband got up and began to preach on the very subject I’ve been so creatively avoiding…FORGIVENESS. And then as if THAT wasn’t enough, a friend walked up to me after the service and shared that she had been in a women’s group the day before and FORGIVENESS was the theme. “Yeah, yeah, that’s good,” I thought, ”Wasn’t God good to reinforce His message to HER!” Sticking a sheet of paper in my face, she gave me some information on forgiveness she had received from Saturday’s speaker. It was later in the day when I realized God was really speaking loud and clear to me. It was time for me to stop acting like a wounded animal and forgive. I’d prayed during the sermon, asking God to “help me to forgive” and now I had the “how to” right in my grimy little hands. Isn’t that so like Him? He not only told me to forgive, He provided the practical application of HOW to forgive (in written form no less)! The bottom line is this: When Jesus hung on the cross HE taught us how to forgive. Looking down at the angry, jeering, self righteous crowd He said, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.”

The Fall

15 That is why they stand before God's throne and serve him day and night in his temple. He who sits on the throne will protect them with his presence. Revelation 7:15 (Good News Bible) It began as one of those once in a lifetime trips...my siblings, sister in law and me in NYC for a long weekend.  The plan was to celebrate my sister, Cathy's, 50 birthday.  The first part of the trip was fantastic. On the first day alone we managed to cram a trip to Chinatown for some great "fake" designer purses, sunglasses and watches where we heard a group of Chinese gentlemen playing the music of their forefathers in the park.  Then we canvassed Little Italy and had the best pizza I've ever put in my mouth.  Next we caught the subway and what an experience that was (complete with hustlers trying to "help" us out by asking us if with like to use their boot legged metro cards, we declined of course!).  We were crammed inside the subway car literally cheek to cheek (both kinds of cheeks!) and given the ride of our lives.  Finally, we went to Ground Zero which was extremely moving and a very sobering experience.  After a little rest, we hit Time Square for supper and just to simply take in the lights, people and excitement in the heart of city at night.  Not bad for the first day! But, oh, what a difference a day makes!  Sunday morning my sisters and I were headed down to the lobby to meet my brother and his wife for another day of sightseeing that included a Broadway play. We had been taking the stairs in the hotel because we didn't want to wait for the elevator (which by the way, was the only  slow moving thing in NYC!).  On this day, I was dressed in sensible shoes, the kind with non skid bottoms and lots of good arch support and a very small purse because who wants to lug a big handbag through the city? I was being careful, sensible, even acting my age for change. We went down the stairs in a line and I made sure to hold on to the railing because I'm not getting any younger, you know?  And then it happened, all at once I realized I was falling down seven concrete steps face first.  There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself. I vaguely remember trying to regrasp the handrails. I vaguely remember the tumbling feeling. I vaguely remember thinking, "This is bad."  At the bottom of the steps, I rolled over and opened my eyes to the horrified stares of my two younger sisters and thought, "I must be going to die because they look really scared...please don't look at me that way."  I also had a sense of wanting to reassure them that I wasn't going to die and so I said, "I'm okay, I'm okay!"  Of course, I wasn't okay but I was alive and at that moment it was all that mattered.  In the next few seconds, my brother, sister in law and hotel staff burst into the stairwell and I have to say, the look on my brother's face didn't make me feel any better.  My sister, Cathy, was yelling "Call 911!"  "Get me some ice!" (she's a nurse) and I realized just how bad my situation was.  I lifted my hand and felt my head and it felt as if I had a huge, hard, soccer ball where my forehead was supposed to be.  I realized I was bleeding from somewhere.  It didn't take but just a few minutes before the ambulance arrived and I was taken to the hospital but before the EMTs arrived, my dear dear brother had the presence of mind to say, "Let's just pray."  David, Cathy, Carole and Tami gathered around me, touching me and we closed our eyes and called on our Heavenly Father.  I don't remember what David prayed.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that in the midst of shock, trauma, and fear, God was there and He was in control.  Obviously, I didn't die or I wouldn't be writing this but I'll tell you this much, even if I had, God would have still been there in that stairwell on Sunday morning, August 19, 2012 with all of us.  For that, I am eternally grateful.

On death and dying...

I never thought I’d come to the place in life where I’d think so much about death. As the years go by, death becomes more and more real. I don’t mean that I dwell on dying more…I’m just reminded more and more often that death is a reality. Even ten years ago, in my middle 40’s, I was reminded on many occasions of death but here I am ten years later and it’s very real to me. Until my precious Mama (my grandmother) died last year at the beautiful age of 97, I had the idea that people live long lives. But in reality some do and some don’t. Over the past several years I’ve lost family and friends who I had assumed would be in my life until the end or almost the end. And I miss them. I miss my nephew, Nick who was just 20 when he died. I miss seeing his big gentle self coming through the door at family dinners. I miss his slightly Yankee accent and the way he never got in a hurry. I miss my grandmother, Essie. I miss the way she smelled (like Estee Lauder Youth Dew) and I miss the way her house smelled. I know it may sound strange but sometimes when I walk into my own home, it smells like her house. Honestly, sometimes I even smell her and I wonder if she’s nearby. It comforts me and saddens me at the same time. I also miss my father in law. I miss hearing my husband on the phone talking to his dad about the Gamecocks or a certain politician. I miss his wisdom and his sense of humor and how he appreciated my cooking! I miss my other grandparents, too. I also miss my friends, Eddie and Mike. Eddie and Mike were fellow friends and members of our church. Eddie couldn’t sing a lick but loved to sing out to God in praise with his hands lifted high. I miss hearing him call me “darlin”. And Sunday’s weren’t complete without a big old sloppy kiss from Mike. Sunday’s will never be complete again. And as the years continue to go by, I know I will miss others. Life has changed over the past few years. It seems like it’s going by faster and faster. It seems like I long more and more for eternity and yet, I find myself grasping to experience everything I can here. I look at my children and grandchildren wondering where the years have gone. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and turn to see my husband lying beside me and I think, “who is that gray haired man beside me? I look at him and realize we’re on a time table and what has been so taken for granted for so long is transient. I don’t like these thoughts and feelings. I’m the type of person who wants to be positive. But is thinking about death really negative? Somehow, I think it would be foolish to not ever think about or ponder death. After all…death is the one reality from which we cannot escape. And it’s in thinking of death that carry my thoughts to God… Jesus put it this way, 1“ Do not let your heart be troubled; [believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And you know the way where I am going.” 5 Thomas *said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?” 6 Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. John 14:1-6

Announcing New Weight Loss Program!

Well, I may have stumbled on to a new weight loss program…It’s called Facebook and Curves! On the F & C Program, you simply video yourself every day upon leaving Curves and post it on Facebook!

Seriously, the F & C Program is keeping me honest! For instance, last night when I ate two mini (too many – lol) of my newly concocted lemon cream cheese mini cupcakes, I felt compelled to announce it (confess it, if you will) to my friends on FB. I was met with a variety of responses that were both encouraging and helpful. I was able to resist the temptation to do what I usually do and eat several more. And when I overslept this morning, instead of using it as an excuse to skip my exercise program, I realized that someone just may be waiting for my daily report on FB so I’d better drag my big behind out of bed and get moving! I simply was not going to have to confess laziness after confessing I’d eaten those little cupcakes!

I’m sure there’s a psychologist out there that has the answer as to why the F & C Program is working for me. I probably have some deep narcissistic neurosis lurking in my subconscious and maybe, someday, I’ll fall on over the edge but frankly, I don’t care. The F & C is working! I’m motivated to live a healthy lifestyle. I feel better physically. I feel better about myself. And one day soon, I’m going to look better!

So, here’s to living every day to it’s fullest…whatever it takes!

The Struggle Continues...

As much as I enjoy life, I have to confess that sometimes life is struggle. There are so many things to overcome. I try to be honest with myself and with others but there are some areas of my personal struggle that are hard to confess. I'm sure it says something about my personality,emotional make up and general psyche that I even feel the need to share and confess some very personal areas of me. I'll leave that to those of you who are qualified to do so and hope that the rest of you will be able to relate in some way to my ramblings.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my local Curves. Now on the surface, maybe this doesn't sound like much of a struggle or like much a of confession but to me it is. I've decided that one way I may keep myself motivated to do something really good for myself like get healthy, is to chronicle the process step by step. So get ready, I'm about to confess one of my biggest secrets...my weight! Since turning 40 quite a few years ago, I've begun to struggle with my weight. I've never been a big exerciser. I'd rather be baking, cooking, or decorating but in the past...hummmmmmmmmmmm, another confession here, 15 years I've put on a lot of weight. In fact, I've put on about 40 lbs. For woman of my height and build (I'm not a petite little thing), I carry weight pretty well. At least, I can carry an extra 20 or so without totally loathing myself. But now that I've eaten my way to about 210 lbs, I really don't like the way I look or for that matter, the way I feel. I feel like an old woman. My legs and feet ache. My arms ache. I have trouble getting off the floor (if I dare to get down on the floor). I can't walk for several miles without feeling like I've run a marathon. I have a double chin, a triple belly roll, and a really cute (NOT!)dimpled butt! Oh and did I mention my legs...well, they look like rather long stumps.

All this being said, I decided (again) last week to begin eating healthier and now that I've had a little success with the eating part, I've made myself an appointment at Curves. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to drag my marshmellowy self out of bed an hour earlier, put on my big girl panties (literally), and do something about it. Look out Curves, here I come.

I'll keep you posted as to how this develops. Now that I've told you what I weigh, I feel much more obligated to stay true to the plan. I may even post some very G rated videos of this new journey.

PS: Don't tell anyone what I weigh, ok???

God's Name

Maybe you're one of those SUPER christians who stay close to God all the time. Well, I'm not. I wish I was but usually it takes some type of crisis or at least a problem to create in me the desire to know God better. The death of my nephew on January 12 has certainly given me the opportunity to seek God with my whole heart. On my way home from my sister's house this weekend I prayed that God would create in me the desire to know Him better. Never pray for something unless you really want it! So, it shouldn't be a surprise to me to find that I have a hunger and a need to know the names of God. After all, I prayed the prayer and He is always listening. Today, the journey to know God better through His names has begun. He's so good.

The first name I read about and have been pondering can't even be pronounced. It's YHVH which is Hebrew for "The unutterable name of God. The source of all life. The necessary being. Beyond all description." Talk about an eye opener. My view of God has been way too small. My approach to Him too irreverent. Through the study of His name, "YHVH", I am coming to realize what a mighty God we have. Our God is the source of our lives, our being, our everything.

Whether we acknowledge Him or not, whether we know Him in any way or not, whether we love Him or not, whether we follow Him or not...He is God and everything has its existence from Him.

Take a moment to think about someone bigger than yourself, greater than any power or knowledge, greater than our desires, greater simply because He is..."I am that I am"...God.

In Memory of Nick

If you're reading this, you probably know that last week, we lost a precious member of our family. Nicholas Putman Pasco went to be with the Lord on January 12. He was just 20 years old. To say it's been a hard week would be over simplifying it. Maybe it's because Nick was so young and his death was so unexpected that the loss is so hard. People should live to a ripe old age and die quietly and peacefully with their families at their bedside. Nick died suddenly and we don't know what caused his death. We may never know. And in all of this, I am, yet again, reminded of how fragile this life is. And I'm reminded of how we need to make the most of every day we have with each other. You see, life is so short we don't have time to get mad at each other and stay mad. We don't have time to be cruel or to make fun of each other. We don't have time to take each other for granted. We don't have time to be unkind and unloving. If there's one thing I can say about Nick, even though he didn't know how short his life would be, he knew he didn't have time to me unloving or cruel or uncaring. If he taught me anything, if he taught you anything, he taught us through his life how to love because Nick loved others. He loved his Momma and his family. He loved his nieces Aliyah, Isabella and Adrianna so much that he was more than an uncle to them, he was a daddy to them. He loved his friends. No, Nick wasn't perfect. We all know that. He had faults just like we all do but I'll tell you this, I've never seen or heard Nicholas be cruel, uncaring or unloving and that kind of life counts. Love always counts. The bible says that "Love covers a multitude of sins". To me, this means that no matter who we are or what we become the only thing that matters to God is how we love.

Thank you, Lord for the gentle giant of a young man we knew as Nick Pasco.

Jesus and Prozac

For many years I struggled with fear. You name it, I was afraid of it. As a little girl, I was afraid of shadows, the booger man, stepping on cracks. If it could be imagined, I was afraid of it. As I matured, my fears continued, growing more serious and more debilitating. In my middle twenties, there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. I remember thinking that God must be angry with me. I felt as if no matter what I did, I couldn’t please him. Reading the Bible and claiming scripture was helpful, as was talking to the few family members and friends I trusted with my silent fears. However, I really didn’t want others to know about my crippling thoughts. On the outside, I looked like I had perfect control of my life. On the inside, I was a complete mess. Sometimes I didn’t want my life to go on. I went on like this for quite a few years. Sometimes the bouts of fear would subside and at other times, I was as fearful as ever. I kept praying, hoping and seeking help. Why the help I needed evaded me, I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t ready to accept the help.

What I did come to realize over the years was that a lot of my fear issues stemmed from an actual illness. It was called obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. My illness manifested itself by my excessive worry over a certain issue or subject until I found some way to relieve the stress. For instance, for months I might worry about having cancer in a certain part of my body or I might worry that I was going to say something that would be offensive to someone. I might worry constantly about the safety of my family or if I had a random thought, no matter how outrageous it was if it passed through my mind, I’d begin to worry about it. Things other people would shake off or even laugh about, would become an obsessive fear in my mind and it would dominate my thoughts. At times, my life was hellish. The only thing that kept me going was God. I knew He loved me, had a plan for me and ultimately would take these fears and worries out of my life. I believed this with every fiber of my being.

To make matters worse and to add my angst, I felt a great deal of shame with my constant fears. I felt as if I was a “bad” Christian and a failure.

One day, while at work, I decided I’d simply had enough. I couldn’t and wouldn’t continue to live this way any longer. So after years of struggling and at the age of 42, I called my husband, told him to come pick me up and asked him to take me to the doctor. Not knowing, where to begin, I went to my family doctor. When I explained to him what I’d been going through for years, he looked at me and said very simply and very matter of factly, “Jane, you have OCD.” I remember feeling an initial sense of relief because he confirmed to me I wasn’t crazy but sick. And what I had actually had a name and a treatment. But the struggle wasn’t quite over, not quite.

The doctor prescribed medication and in my case, it was Prozac and sent me home, advising me to call a counselor to help me learn to manage my symptoms. So, I did. At first, I was very resistant to taking Prozac or any type of antidepressant. I still had the nagging worry that I couldn’t be much of a Christian and live my life medicated. When I got home that day, I called a family counselor who was also a dear Christian friend. I talked over my situation with him and he asked me this: “Jane, if the doctor had told you today you were a diabetic, would you take the insulin?”

“Well, of course I would! That’s a physical illness!” I stated.

To which my counselor friend said, “And what do you think OCD is? OCD is a physical illness, too and it’s located in your brain. Take the medicine. Have you prayed for healing?” my wise friend asked.

“Yes, I have and in fact, I prayed this morning for healing.”

My friend said, “Don’t you think this may be God answering your prayer?”

I remember feeling like a light had suddenly come on in a very dark room. I took the medicine and I can promise you this, my life has never been the same. Yes, I occasionally have bouts of worry and fear but these bouts are manageable now because my brain is no longer in a state of what I call hiccups. The medicine I take controls the chemicals in my brain that caused my cycles of worry and fear.

Someone once said to me that they couldn’t believe how open I am about having OCD and being on Prozac. To which I had to say, “There is nothing Jesus and Prozac can’t handle!” You see, what Satan meant to destroy me with, God is using to bring glory to Himself!

You may be struggling with the same thing I was or it may be something different. My prayer for you is that you will turn it over to Jesus, who is the great physician. He may not heal you in the way YOU think He will or should but He will heal you. He wants you to have abundant life!

Tim Tebow: about Faith and Pigskin

Now,what could I possibly have to say about Tim Tebow? I know, I know...it would be easy for me to extol his football greatness. That's obvious. He's good, real good. And yes, I could brag on what a wonderful example he is to the world...he's very outspoken about his faith in Jesus Christ. That's really good,too. But what impresses me most about Tebow is what I hear about him when he's living his day to day, everyday life. I've been told he's not about Tim...he's about his teammates. And that's way cool. Talk is cheap and making a big show of one's faith has been exploited by many. We've all heard the tales. But what I've heard about Tim Tebow is he is the real deal. He loves God and he's unashamed of Jesus but he prove his faith as he lives in a way that few "Christians" ever seem to be able to. He puts other first. He puts ego aside. And his teammates love him.

So, no matter what your faith and maybe don't have any faith at all; Tim Tebow is a witness to something bigger than self, bigger than fame, bigger than making it to the top. Tim Tebow is a living example of the fact that God loves you.

I can't help but chuckle when I think that only God could use a young man and pigskin to point us all to a real day to day faith in a God who loves us! Oh, but wait, God used a young man and slingshot way back when, didn't He?

A Glimpse of Truth

Life is busy and yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. Went to work, shopped for groceries, shot an episode of Entertain With Jane, and then did a mountain of dishes from the shoot! Yes, I do my own dishes...I haven't gotten to the place I have an energetic little assistant cleaning up my creative messes! When I finally slowed down, I picked up my Kindle and began reading a book I'd begun the day before, "Between Heaven and Ground Zero: One Woman's Struggle for Survival and Faith in the Ashes of 9/11" by Leslie Haskin. Of all the things I did yesterday, reading this book was my one truly divine appointment. As Ms. Haskin described her journey out of the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001 and into presence of her soveriegn Lord, I felt God speaking to me. No, I wasn't in the Twin Towers that day. No, I don't know Ms. Haskin. And no, I've never experienced a trauma the magnitude of Ms. Haskin's but through her writing, God spoke to me. Why I was surprised to find Him gently prodding me closer to Him, I don't know. Time and time again, He's been faithful to do so and as I read the message of that book, the scriptures Ms. Haskin used jumped at me. Over and over again, she chose the exact same scriptures God has used in my life for many years.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Once again, He let me know...He's in control.

The Apostle Paul in book of Acts said ‘For in Him we live and move and have our being.’

As His child, made by Him and for Him, He has my destiny in His gentle hands.

It dawns on me even now...He is my destiny.

I woke up this morning to a news alert. Seems the radical terrorists are at it again. New York City is once more on full alert. Ten years ago our world changed in a way few of us ever dreamed. With the bombing of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the crash of Flight 93, we were ushered into an age of uncertainty. Never again will we as Americans feel cocooned in our freedom and the saftey that came with it. An age of innocence vanished when the first plane struck the tower. That someone would strike us on our own soil was unthinkable, unimaginable. I remember for days after 9/11, I listened to television and radio reports nonstop trying to grasp the reality of what had happend. As that week changed into months, and then years, I all but stopped listening for terrorist reports. It's only when I wake to a news alert like the one I heard this morning, I consider another strike against our country. Except for days like today, I grow complacent and begin to focus on my every day life.

And then there's a news report and I remember.

I remember what I wear and what I eat today are not very important. I remember to tell my husband and my children I love them. I remember to be a little nicer and more considerate to others. I remember life is not about what I've accumulated. I remember freedom isn't free. I remember...

I remember 9/11.

Another One Bites the Dust...Another 5 That Is!

Don't want to bore you to death with my new healthier lifestyle but I've lost another 5 pounds! Yeeeeee Hawwwwwwwwwwwww! I have to say I'm excited about the new, slightly slimmer me! I've got a long way to go but it sure is nice when your husband comes up to you from behind as you're cooking supper and says, "Wow, who's butt is THAT?!!!???" LOL! Even after 35 years of marriage, I was highly complimented and flattered!

The road to a healthier lifestyle is continuing to be a long and arduous journey. I must confess the hurdle of regular exercise is still tripping me up but I've recently become much more motivated to get moving. I was asked to do Sumter's local Dancing With the Stars in April and I know if I don't get moving, I'm going to be a hot mess on stage! So, that means I've got about 8 months to learn to boogie with the best of them and 8 months to train my two left feet to dance. The joke around here is that Baptists (I'm one) don't dance (I think it's considered a mortal sin). Well, look out Baptists, Moma's got a brand new pair of dancin shoes!

Recently, it dawned on me that healthy eating is all about making good choices (as is most of life). I've learned I can be just as happy and satisfied with a nice, plump, juicy piece of fruit as I used to be with a handful of cookies. I've also learned that water tastes much better than a diet soda and is totally guilt free! I can just see those cholesterol blobs being flushed out of my system as I drink a tall glass of water on the rocks! Sometimes I make myself feel all fancy as I drink my water with a slice of lemon, lime or a sprig of mint in a tall stemmed glass. (I like pretty things!).

"Every meal's a party when you Entertain With Jane!" even if you're eating healthy. I'll be posting some new recipes soon so stay tuned! And remember...

"The opera isn't over til the fat lady sings!" or in my case, "Party on! Just dance more than you eat!"

The Party's Over Revisited

Wow! I can't believe it's been over 7 weeks since I wrote "The Party's Over". As I was reflecting on my new lifestyle and commitment to lowering my cholesterol, I honestly thought I'd only been "on the wagon" for about 4 weeks. Time sure flies when you're having fun!

First of all, let me give you my progress in numbers: I've actually lost 10 lbs. and while, that's not a lot of weight loss, it does give me hope that I'm doing the right things to bring down my cholesterol. I haven't been starving myself but I've changed the way I eat, what I eat and how I think about eating. Here's what I'm doing:

1. Whole grain foods - you'll be surprised at how tasty whole grain pasta is!

2. Fruit and fresh veggies - try using them in ways you don't normally use them...like fruit in a green salad.

3. X OUT WHITE foods - things like potatoes, rice, pasta, and breads. I'm not saying I never eat white but I'm eating at least 90% less of these weight producing foods.

4. Water - sometimes I'm not really hungry but thirsty. Staying hydrated is very important. I find that a belly full of good ole water is better than a belly full of nothing.

5. Diet Colas - have been drastically cut. Instead of allowing these drinks to be a staple, I now use them as a treat.

6. Olive Oil - cook with olive oil rather than other types of oils and I'm not using of real butter or margarine. I'm using Smart Balance with olive oil.

7. Meat - I'm eating more fish and chicken and less red meat.

All my habits haven't changed, though. What I haven't started doing regularly is exercising. I know I've got to start moving more. In fact, I have started doing my own housework now. From what I read, vacuming, dusting, sweeping and mopping are actually good exercise. And yes, I know keeping my house clean isn't enough to qualify for an exercise program! So, this week as I go on vacation, I plan to start walking every day. I'll let you know how it goes.

Incidently, I've been picking up some great little tricks to keep myself in line. One is to imagine my arteries being all clogged up with yellow blobs of fat. Everytime I start to eat something processed or with a lot of saturated fat in it, a vision of my sticky, gooey arteries with the blood desperately trying to get through that clogged mess comes to my mind. (My daughter told me today that she used this same basic trick when she was tempted to smoke while pregant. She simply envision her womb filling up with smoke and her little baby trying to take a good breath.) Both images are pretty awful but very effective. Perhaps the most effective trick I've learned is to not allow myself to obsess about my weight and size. I'm me...thin or fat and I've got to love myself no matter what. Self loathing simply makes me feel more desperate and sets me up to eat for emotional reasons.

And lastly, I've come to realize this has got to become a life long lifestyle change. That's why I've refused to join this group or that, this gym or that gym or rely on diel aids.

Didn't mean to unload on you but maybe this will help you in your journey. Love you all fat or thin! Jane

I Went on Vacation and I Conquered a Beast!

My husband and I just got back from a short vacation on Hilton Head Island. My sister has lived there for about 25 years and it's become one of my favorite places in the whole wide world...I think my sister living there has a lot to do with it but that's not the story here.

Any of you who are following my journey know that about three weeks ago I made a commitment to eat healthy and get healthy. Typically, vacations are a prime time for me to lose most of my will power and abandon my usual, somewhat, good senses. I mean, what is vacation for except to do and eat anything your little heart desires? I love to eat out especially during vacation time and I usually order whatever strikes my fancy regardless of fat content, calorie count or even price. My last visit to Hilton Head was back in the late winter when I was cyber stalking one of my foodie heros, Robert Irvine. He has a wonderful restaurant on Hilton Head called "Eat!" and even has cooking classes for those of us who long to learn, dine, and bask in a little culture for a few short hours. During the class, the chef and his entourage ply you with plenty of culinary wisdom, delicious food and yes, even wine. It's great fun and I highly recommend it to even a novice cook. It's an early afternoon well worth the price, which is, in my opinion, extremely reasonable. But I decided to forgo my usual pilgrimage to "Eat!" this trip and while I was very tempted to "dine with Robert" once again, I decided I'd try my new, healthy culinary skills on my sister and her husband. We started off the weekend with my lowfat version of chicken piccata along with a scrumptious blueberry feta spring salad. One night we enjoyed a splurge of steak along with my very special red potato salad which is mixed with not simply high fat, high calorie mayo but a mixture of 1/3 light mayo, 1/3 lowfat yogurt and 1/3 light sour cream. My triumph of the evening was to only eat a palm sized portion of steak. And so the weekend began and continued past July 4th. I found myself on the beach one day at lunch time not having prepared for the beastly hunger that would attack me about lunch time and yes, I did have one of those packs of cheese crackers laden with saturated fat but that was my one slip of the weekend. Since I did it knowingly, I didn't castigate myself for the processed, caloric snack, I simply went on about my day changing my eating habits one step at a time.

As Dearld and I drove home this morning, I found myself musing over the long weekend and realized I had, indeed, conquered the beast named, "Vacation Temptation". He or dare I say, she, was conquered one healthy meal, one temptation, and one choice at a time.

Just call me "Jane, the Junk Food Dragon Slayer!"

Oh and yes, even when cooking healthier, "Every meal's a party when you Entertain with Jane!" I'm learning good food doesn't have to clog your arteries or pad your thighs!

The Great Awakening and Yes, It Began in a TJ Maxx Dressing Room

I have to admit I've been getting pretty discouraged with the health kick I'm on. Mostly, I've stayed right with my plan...staying away from artificial sweeteners, white foods and too much red meat. What I haven't conquered yet is my loathing of exercise. I hate to sweat. I really do. I give myself all kinds of legitimate excuses for not exercising but even I know they are just that, excuses.

Today after eating my favorite dinner of chicken fajitas and splurging just a little on nachos, I made the huge mistake of trying on swimsuits. It must have been some evil genius who put TJ Maxx next door to a Mexican Restaurant. Omgosh! How much sense does it make to try on swimsuits after a meal of Mexican food? It was in TJ Maxx my current awakening began. I looked like a big, white, beached whale. All I could think was..."What happened to my body?" I could have cried but I was determined to suck it up (and in) and walk out of that store as if I were the most beautifully built middle aged woman in the world. I'll tell you this, NOW I really know why old women wear moo moos. Yes siree, that's where I was heading 3 weeks ago when my dear doctor put the hammer down and said loose weight, get healthy or take some more drugs.

When I got home, I immediately called my sister, Cathy who struggles with her weight too but even when she's heavy, she's one of the prettiest women I know. She's trying to get healthy, too and I'm spending the next 3 days with her at the beach. Talk about misery loving company! She gave me a sisterly pep talk and it helped. Don't you just love people who will tell you the truth in love and at the same time make you feel okay? That's my Cathy.

After clicking off the phone, I got back to the task at hand...cleaning off and organizing my desk. As I began to sort through the mess and clutter of at least the last 12 months, I found letters, cards and notes from people I love and who love me wishing me Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Valentine's Day, Merry Christmas and even a letter from a customer thanking me for helping her with a wireless problem. Talk about feeling better...I immediately began to be thankful and realize again that it's not so much about what's on the outside but the inside that really counts. I am so blessed! For a few minutes, God simply showered me with His love and grace and gave me a better perspective on the substance of my life.

Truthfully, the ship has sailed on my being the 5'7" slim, firm, young woman I was for so long. I'll never be young again or even as firm as I was in my 20's and 30's. And that's okay. I will be healthier each day and oh so much richer as I learn to give even my eating and exercise habits to the control of the one who made me. The journey continues...