Grief Stricken

Yesterday was a rough day. To tell the truth, the tears started coming about 1:00 p.m. and continued off and on until I finally went to sleep last night. I was missing my sweet Momma. I found myself in the PIT of despair and I'm not being overly dramatic. I just couldn't' get myself together. Honestly, all I could feel was pain...the pain of being separated from my mother. All the cliques, good intentions, nice thoughts, even prayers didn't seem to bring me out of the funk I was in. I was like an inconsolable colicky infant. In the middle of my despair I wrote this poem...



I think I need to die

Lay down and not get up

To leave this world and sorrow behind

And walk into the waiting light

What kind of journey would it be

To leave this life behind

The hurt

The sorrow

The ache of loss

Swallowed up in death's bright light

To travel where my soul mates live

And are now complete

If not for the few I truly love

I would

Pray my soul to rest

I see the day I'll long to take that flight

The day my loss is complete



First of all, don't think I'm suicidal. I'm not. And don't feel sorry for me. I don't need pity. I just had a bad day. I had a day of grief. I shared this with you because I want you to know I know how you feel. You aren't alone. I want you to know even after the darkest night, the sun comes up. After the darkness, I rise up and meet the day.

18 For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the coming glory that will be revealed to us. 19 For the creation eagerly waits for the revelation of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility—not willingly but because of God who subjected it—in hope 21 that the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage of decay into the glorious freedom of God’s children. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers together until now. 23 Not only this, but we ourselves also, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we eagerly await our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with endurance.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes on behalf of the saints according to God’s will. 28 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, 29 because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified.
31 What then shall we say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 Indeed, he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things?
Romans 8:18-32

Sometimes answers don't come fast but they always come because He is faithful.

REJOICE!

My mother had just died. We were sitting the "family room" at the hospital. Overcome by a sorrow none of us had ever felt before, my youngest sister said, "I've got something to tell you and I think I was supposed to tell you sooner. " As she, Carly (her oldest child) and Daddy, rushed from the Laurens County Hospital to Richland Memorial some 70ish miles away behind a screaming ambulance, my sister heard these words loud and clear: "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." At the same time she heard these rather misplaced words of God, they were speeding by the Newberry exit, where our mother had gone into a fatal cardiac arrest. Over and over in the months since our precious Momma died, we have been challenged to, "Rejoice". How do you rejoice in the middle of the deepest sorrow you've ever felt? How? And yet, God keeps revealing to each of us that REJOICE is exactly what we must do. One week before my mother's death, I felt an insatiable need to find out all I could about Heaven. Even though Momma was very sick, I didn't have any idea the next week we would say our Earthly good-byes to her. It didn't occur to me at the time but God was getting me ready for her passing. I read two books. One was "To Heaven and Back" by Dr. Mary C. Neal, MD. The other was by Dr. Eben Alexander, called "Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife ". What I found in Dr. Neal's book was a beautiful story of hope from a Christian's point of view. From Dr. Alexander's book I gleaned insight into death from a medical viewpoint. Both books were helpful and God used Dr. Neal and Dr. Alexander's experiences of death, to once again, confirm His total love and peace to me. In Dr. Neal's book she states "joy is a state of mind and a state of being. It reflects a conscious choice to believe in the promises of the Bible. After her death experience and she was recuperating from massive injuries sustained in a kayaking accident, one of the verses that came to her was, "Rejoice always." 1 Thess 5:16. In pain and broken, Dr. Neal heard God speak plainly. "REJOICE." A few weeks ago while I was visiting with my father, I found yet another gift my mother left behind. While flipping through her tattered and worn bible, I found this verse yet again. She had it dog eared: "Rejoice always". My mother believed the words of God and His command to rejoice even in the midst of great physical pain. My family has had our faith challenged through our sorrow but all of us have been reassured that what we have in Christ is, indeed, real. And it's not only real but He has been teaching us to "REJOICE". In the middle of an unfathomably deep hurt and sorrow, we are experiencing joy. We are experience joy because we are experiencing God. Since Momma died, I've felt the need to read the words of Jesus beginning in John. Just last night I read these words, the recorded words of Jesus: "Do not let your hearts be distressed. You believe in God; believe also in me. There are many dwelling places in my Father's house. Otherwise, I would have told you, because I am going away to make ready a place for you. And if I go and make ready a place for you, I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you may be too. And you know the way where I am going." Thomas said, "Lord, we don't know where you are going. How can we know the way? " Jesus replied, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you have known me, you will know my Father too. And from now on you do know him and have seen him." John 14:14-7 My momma is now living that reality. Do I still grieve for her? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I long for her? Yes. But because of Jesus, I will see her again and so will my father, my brother and sisters. And because of Jesus, who he is and what he did...we can REJOICE! ” Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 (RSV)

Forgiveness? Again?

Seems like the theme of this weekend for some of us was “Forgiveness”. Sunday morning I almost didn’t go to church because my head hurt. I know, a simple headache isn’t that big of a deal but don’t you remember I fell down seven concrete steps just 8 weeks ago and fractured my skull…cut me some slack! LOL! However, I got up and got ready in record time and I’m so glad I did. NO, the fact that I went to church doesn’t mean I’m a “good” Christian. (I’ve found through the years that the only thing mere church attendance is good for is to enhance my feelings of self righteousness. After all, it’s part of being a “good” pastor’s wife to attend church but that’s another story. Let’s get back to “FORGIVENESS”. I’m so glad I went to worship yesterday because God had a little something to say to me about my unforgiving attitude. You see, I’m not always a forgiving person. Sometimes I hold on to a grudge as if it were my life raft in the middle of the ocean. And I’d been nursing a “certain” grudge for almost a year like a mother nursing a hungry newborn. So, imagine my angst when my husband got up and began to preach on the very subject I’ve been so creatively avoiding…FORGIVENESS. And then as if THAT wasn’t enough, a friend walked up to me after the service and shared that she had been in a women’s group the day before and FORGIVENESS was the theme. “Yeah, yeah, that’s good,” I thought, ”Wasn’t God good to reinforce His message to HER!” Sticking a sheet of paper in my face, she gave me some information on forgiveness she had received from Saturday’s speaker. It was later in the day when I realized God was really speaking loud and clear to me. It was time for me to stop acting like a wounded animal and forgive. I’d prayed during the sermon, asking God to “help me to forgive” and now I had the “how to” right in my grimy little hands. Isn’t that so like Him? He not only told me to forgive, He provided the practical application of HOW to forgive (in written form no less)! The bottom line is this: When Jesus hung on the cross HE taught us how to forgive. Looking down at the angry, jeering, self righteous crowd He said, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.”

The Fall

15 That is why they stand before God's throne and serve him day and night in his temple. He who sits on the throne will protect them with his presence. Revelation 7:15 (Good News Bible) It began as one of those once in a lifetime trips...my siblings, sister in law and me in NYC for a long weekend.  The plan was to celebrate my sister, Cathy's, 50 birthday.  The first part of the trip was fantastic. On the first day alone we managed to cram a trip to Chinatown for some great "fake" designer purses, sunglasses and watches where we heard a group of Chinese gentlemen playing the music of their forefathers in the park.  Then we canvassed Little Italy and had the best pizza I've ever put in my mouth.  Next we caught the subway and what an experience that was (complete with hustlers trying to "help" us out by asking us if with like to use their boot legged metro cards, we declined of course!).  We were crammed inside the subway car literally cheek to cheek (both kinds of cheeks!) and given the ride of our lives.  Finally, we went to Ground Zero which was extremely moving and a very sobering experience.  After a little rest, we hit Time Square for supper and just to simply take in the lights, people and excitement in the heart of city at night.  Not bad for the first day! But, oh, what a difference a day makes!  Sunday morning my sisters and I were headed down to the lobby to meet my brother and his wife for another day of sightseeing that included a Broadway play. We had been taking the stairs in the hotel because we didn't want to wait for the elevator (which by the way, was the only  slow moving thing in NYC!).  On this day, I was dressed in sensible shoes, the kind with non skid bottoms and lots of good arch support and a very small purse because who wants to lug a big handbag through the city? I was being careful, sensible, even acting my age for change. We went down the stairs in a line and I made sure to hold on to the railing because I'm not getting any younger, you know?  And then it happened, all at once I realized I was falling down seven concrete steps face first.  There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself. I vaguely remember trying to regrasp the handrails. I vaguely remember the tumbling feeling. I vaguely remember thinking, "This is bad."  At the bottom of the steps, I rolled over and opened my eyes to the horrified stares of my two younger sisters and thought, "I must be going to die because they look really scared...please don't look at me that way."  I also had a sense of wanting to reassure them that I wasn't going to die and so I said, "I'm okay, I'm okay!"  Of course, I wasn't okay but I was alive and at that moment it was all that mattered.  In the next few seconds, my brother, sister in law and hotel staff burst into the stairwell and I have to say, the look on my brother's face didn't make me feel any better.  My sister, Cathy, was yelling "Call 911!"  "Get me some ice!" (she's a nurse) and I realized just how bad my situation was.  I lifted my hand and felt my head and it felt as if I had a huge, hard, soccer ball where my forehead was supposed to be.  I realized I was bleeding from somewhere.  It didn't take but just a few minutes before the ambulance arrived and I was taken to the hospital but before the EMTs arrived, my dear dear brother had the presence of mind to say, "Let's just pray."  David, Cathy, Carole and Tami gathered around me, touching me and we closed our eyes and called on our Heavenly Father.  I don't remember what David prayed.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that in the midst of shock, trauma, and fear, God was there and He was in control.  Obviously, I didn't die or I wouldn't be writing this but I'll tell you this much, even if I had, God would have still been there in that stairwell on Sunday morning, August 19, 2012 with all of us.  For that, I am eternally grateful.

On death and dying...

I never thought I’d come to the place in life where I’d think so much about death. As the years go by, death becomes more and more real. I don’t mean that I dwell on dying more…I’m just reminded more and more often that death is a reality. Even ten years ago, in my middle 40’s, I was reminded on many occasions of death but here I am ten years later and it’s very real to me. Until my precious Mama (my grandmother) died last year at the beautiful age of 97, I had the idea that people live long lives. But in reality some do and some don’t. Over the past several years I’ve lost family and friends who I had assumed would be in my life until the end or almost the end. And I miss them. I miss my nephew, Nick who was just 20 when he died. I miss seeing his big gentle self coming through the door at family dinners. I miss his slightly Yankee accent and the way he never got in a hurry. I miss my grandmother, Essie. I miss the way she smelled (like Estee Lauder Youth Dew) and I miss the way her house smelled. I know it may sound strange but sometimes when I walk into my own home, it smells like her house. Honestly, sometimes I even smell her and I wonder if she’s nearby. It comforts me and saddens me at the same time. I also miss my father in law. I miss hearing my husband on the phone talking to his dad about the Gamecocks or a certain politician. I miss his wisdom and his sense of humor and how he appreciated my cooking! I miss my other grandparents, too. I also miss my friends, Eddie and Mike. Eddie and Mike were fellow friends and members of our church. Eddie couldn’t sing a lick but loved to sing out to God in praise with his hands lifted high. I miss hearing him call me “darlin”. And Sunday’s weren’t complete without a big old sloppy kiss from Mike. Sunday’s will never be complete again. And as the years continue to go by, I know I will miss others. Life has changed over the past few years. It seems like it’s going by faster and faster. It seems like I long more and more for eternity and yet, I find myself grasping to experience everything I can here. I look at my children and grandchildren wondering where the years have gone. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and turn to see my husband lying beside me and I think, “who is that gray haired man beside me? I look at him and realize we’re on a time table and what has been so taken for granted for so long is transient. I don’t like these thoughts and feelings. I’m the type of person who wants to be positive. But is thinking about death really negative? Somehow, I think it would be foolish to not ever think about or ponder death. After all…death is the one reality from which we cannot escape. And it’s in thinking of death that carry my thoughts to God… Jesus put it this way, 1“ Do not let your heart be troubled; [believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And you know the way where I am going.” 5 Thomas *said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?” 6 Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. John 14:1-6

Announcing New Weight Loss Program!

Well, I may have stumbled on to a new weight loss program…It’s called Facebook and Curves! On the F & C Program, you simply video yourself every day upon leaving Curves and post it on Facebook!

Seriously, the F & C Program is keeping me honest! For instance, last night when I ate two mini (too many – lol) of my newly concocted lemon cream cheese mini cupcakes, I felt compelled to announce it (confess it, if you will) to my friends on FB. I was met with a variety of responses that were both encouraging and helpful. I was able to resist the temptation to do what I usually do and eat several more. And when I overslept this morning, instead of using it as an excuse to skip my exercise program, I realized that someone just may be waiting for my daily report on FB so I’d better drag my big behind out of bed and get moving! I simply was not going to have to confess laziness after confessing I’d eaten those little cupcakes!

I’m sure there’s a psychologist out there that has the answer as to why the F & C Program is working for me. I probably have some deep narcissistic neurosis lurking in my subconscious and maybe, someday, I’ll fall on over the edge but frankly, I don’t care. The F & C is working! I’m motivated to live a healthy lifestyle. I feel better physically. I feel better about myself. And one day soon, I’m going to look better!

So, here’s to living every day to it’s fullest…whatever it takes!

The Struggle Continues...

As much as I enjoy life, I have to confess that sometimes life is struggle. There are so many things to overcome. I try to be honest with myself and with others but there are some areas of my personal struggle that are hard to confess. I'm sure it says something about my personality,emotional make up and general psyche that I even feel the need to share and confess some very personal areas of me. I'll leave that to those of you who are qualified to do so and hope that the rest of you will be able to relate in some way to my ramblings.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my local Curves. Now on the surface, maybe this doesn't sound like much of a struggle or like much a of confession but to me it is. I've decided that one way I may keep myself motivated to do something really good for myself like get healthy, is to chronicle the process step by step. So get ready, I'm about to confess one of my biggest secrets...my weight! Since turning 40 quite a few years ago, I've begun to struggle with my weight. I've never been a big exerciser. I'd rather be baking, cooking, or decorating but in the past...hummmmmmmmmmmm, another confession here, 15 years I've put on a lot of weight. In fact, I've put on about 40 lbs. For woman of my height and build (I'm not a petite little thing), I carry weight pretty well. At least, I can carry an extra 20 or so without totally loathing myself. But now that I've eaten my way to about 210 lbs, I really don't like the way I look or for that matter, the way I feel. I feel like an old woman. My legs and feet ache. My arms ache. I have trouble getting off the floor (if I dare to get down on the floor). I can't walk for several miles without feeling like I've run a marathon. I have a double chin, a triple belly roll, and a really cute (NOT!)dimpled butt! Oh and did I mention my legs...well, they look like rather long stumps.

All this being said, I decided (again) last week to begin eating healthier and now that I've had a little success with the eating part, I've made myself an appointment at Curves. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to drag my marshmellowy self out of bed an hour earlier, put on my big girl panties (literally), and do something about it. Look out Curves, here I come.

I'll keep you posted as to how this develops. Now that I've told you what I weigh, I feel much more obligated to stay true to the plan. I may even post some very G rated videos of this new journey.

PS: Don't tell anyone what I weigh, ok???